"Originality implies being bold enough to go beyond accepted norms.”

- Anthony Storr

A State of Disequilibrium

In which it's the Last Dance, and Hotaru Imai finally confesses her feelings –
without the actual confession.
Oh, but it's gonna be legendary.

Fandom. Gakuen Alice.
Title. A State of Disequilibrium.
Characters. Hotaru Imai, Mikan Sakura, Yuu Tobita, Ruka Nogi, Hayate Matsudaira, Narumi, Natsume Hyuuga.
Genre. Romance/Humor.
Rating. T.
Chapter/s. 1.
Status. Complete.
Theme/s. Confessions, pride, and the making of a legend.

A State of Disequilibrium takes place six years after the anime. It's Hotaru-centric, and is written purely from Hotaru's perspective. It makes several references to the manga, particularly Hayate Matsudaira and his crush on Hotaru.

The most curious thing about NatsumeHotaru is that no one seems to want to write the beginning of their story. All fics about them that I've read so far take their getting together as a given. Which is bad, if you ask me, because it's how they get together that's the challenge – something that needs to be conquered, before the odds of them being together can even be entertained, by nonbelievers in particular. I had originally intended to jump in and write a story where Natsume and Hotaru are already together, but I felt that it wouldn't be believable without a concrete foundation. So instead I wrote this fic to establish how they end up together. I truly adore Natsume and Hotaru together, and am hoping that people will write more about them. 

I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of myself for writing this. NatsumeHotaru is a complete shift from the accepted paradigm in the fandom, and while I'm honored that Disequilibrium is said to be the legendary story to set it off, I had my own doubts not in going against the norm (because it's truly liberating), but in my ability to show and make people consider the likelihood of Natsume and Hotaru being together. I truly hope I didn't disappoint, despite the lack of their interaction in this story.

I'm proud of writing a legend. ;)

My birthday was last September 11, and I gotta say I received one of the most fabulous birthday gifts I can possibly ask for: a NatsumeHotaru fan art. The pairing is probably one of the most un-heard of in the fandom, and I didn't think anyone would actually humor me and give me so much more than what I had requested.

The gracious Mari/Innocent Sorrow actually took the time to draw the pair, even though she's mostly a NatsumeMikan fan. Thank you very much, Mari! I can't tell you how much I appreciate this! :D

Ah, so where do I begin?

Last night, while I was going through my files, I realized that I have no copy of The Game of Let's Pretend in my laptop. I only have a list of its chapter titles – but not the chapters themselves. It was so ridiculous that I laughed (what kind of author doesn't have a copy of her own story?), and ended up looking all over my room for my old flashdrive, where I knew I saved my copy before my old computer died. When I found it, I checked for TGOLP, and sure enough, all the chapters were there.

I wanted to read where I left off; I wanted to remember where I was when I stopped writing. But then I realized it would be more fun if I start from the very beginning. So I went over chapter one, planning only to read it, but ended up making edits to it, even when I had no plans of updating or doing anything with it - at all. In the end I posted it back up, and decided in that moment that I'd continue. Hell, I already have several chapter fifteen scenes in my flashdrive; I might just well make use of them instead of ditching them completely, no?

Yesterday night I decided I'll temporarily remove the chapters while I make edits to them. This, which to my surprise earned me a nasty "fuck you" welcome greeting when I checked my email today, was done for several sound reasons, most of them for the benefit of those who are reading the story.

• Temporary removal of the chapters will give new readers a chance to pace their reading, as old readers have previously done. In other words, they get to wait, too, for the good bits. Kind of reliving the old days. By this I'm trying to somewhat control how much everyone is reading, so they won't get bored of the story.

• Posting the chapters back up only after they're edited gives old and new readers a chance to read the story more smoothly. More fluid narration, less errors, less typos, all the good stuff that results from editing.

• Temporary removal of chapters will ultimately benefit old readers. Unlike some reviewers might think, I'm very much aware that I haven't updated in two years. I realize that readers might have forgotten the little crucial details that shape the story (hell, I've forgotten many things myself). By posting the chapters one at a time, I give them incentive to read only the materials that are up (since they've no choice), and I'm hoping this will help them recall the events/ideas/theme/details of the story. I need my readers to read again and remember. Because trust me: The devil is always in the details.

• My decision to NOT suddenly throw chapter fifteen out there is because I'm aware that people are always to eager to read the new materials posted, even when they've forgotten why and how things must have gotten there in the first place. It's already been two years since my last update, and the last thing I want to do is read comments like, "You took so long to update that I've completely forgotten the story; I had to reread the chapters to understand this." Even worse is the probability that the reader wouldn't even bother to reread the previous chapters because they're too long, etc. Either of this scenario would have ruined the fifteenth chapter entirely, and this is what I'm keeping from happening. I'm trying to help my readers avoid this, because I want them to completely enjoy the fifteenth chapter once it's up - hence my efforts.

Although, it would seem that there are several who failed to grasp the logic behind what I did and instead threw a bitch fit at me without even trying to understand where I'm coming from in the first place. At the moment I'm seriously, very much pissed off and put off by this fiasco. Here I was making an attempt to assure everyone that they're not waiting for nothing and I'm finally going to update after two long years, but all I get back are nasty, unsigned comments telling me to delete my story and fuck off. Like, seriously? How about having the courage to actually sign your rude messages? Didn't the GAFFN population mature even the slightest while I was away?

I explicitly stated in my author's note that I lost my muse for TGOLP a long time ago; which is why I can't even begin to tell you how happy I was last night, when I realized that I could edit a TGOLP chapter in less than a day. I was so excited to get back to writing this story because I finally decided I want to get chapter fifteen out there; I want to share it with the many readers who have been through this story for so many years. I still do, even after the horrible messages, but I'd be lying if I don't say that my excitement has been ruined - quite ruined, in fact. I'm put off and very disappointed by what has happened. My words have been taken out of context; I've been called stupid for the repost and author's notes even when I can very well explain my good reasons and intentions for them; I've been accused of having an attitude; I've been told to fuck off - all because I'm finally going to update my story again, after two years! I doubt anything could be more ridiculous than this!

Just for the record, I'm not forcing anyone to read my story. Frankly, I don't need readers as barbaric and as impolite as these people.